May 17th, 2006
|11:27 pm - in love|
hey world, god I never update.
school good. work good. Jess- my hero. Haiden- my life. Emma- my best friend. Sean- a nice guy.
Anything else? Nothing I can think of. We've been really busy.
I love this life right now, it's good. It's very good.
So in love.
where is my mothers day gift??
Current Mood: chipper
Current Music: Muse
April 27th, 2006
|08:25 pm - What is this all about?|
Research papers...suck. For English, I have to do one and uh.. I hate it. I'm still like in the top 10% of my class though. I want to prove to the school that I'm not a stupid tramp. Anyways..
Jess and I are doing good. I bought Haiden an after Easter dress. It is the cutest thing, ever. I'm in love with it. And she likes it too. She's getting big, she'll be 5 months soon. She's starting to make gaaaa noses. They're the cutest thing. I've been take pictures like craazy. I'm in love with her lol. She looks a lot like me when I was a little.
So I passed my movie gallery job and now I work at Lukes when I can and I'm working at a book store. It's perfect. I remember working in one before and I loved it. It's easy, I just gonna put books where they go and check them out and sell them. And I get free books. Jess likes that.
I'm happy. Very happy.
Willy Wonka is on, score. Okay, I'm gonna go play with Haiden. She's starting to sit up on her own, and then rolls over? Cutest.
Current Mood: tired
April 23rd, 2006
I made a cake. I found a cake mix. It's good. I love baking.
Anyways, yeah. You might have heard I was in the hospital..yeah. Well, I tried to kill myself. And guess who found me? I was so stupid. But I was in so much pain
and honestly I'm not over it.
I woke up and he was there, he was in the hospital waiting for me. I think that we're meant to be together, or he wouldn't have been there to find me or anything. Uh, I'm gonna cry again. Ew.
I'm going back to group. I need to talk about things that I can't tell Jess or anyone. But he's like...stepping up to the plate and playing Daddy and husband.
I think we're back together. I don't know, and if I ask I could be hurt again. fuck that.
Haiden and I are gonna go watch a movie or go play or something. I need to earn brownie points with her. I've put her through alot and she's not even 1 yet. Sigh.
Current Mood: determined
April 7th, 2006
|06:52 am - the reason with the recipe|
i don't know what's going on with me. i can't sleep, i can't eat. all I seem to do is cry and work and go to school. I don't even know when I've...talked to anyone like a normal human being.
he's in my living room..he's just there. he stays there and I don't know if he's back with me or not. How would you feel if your life, your love, your everything your Jess was just sitting there and you didn't know if you can have him or not. I'm too scared to ask, it'll crash in my face.
so i'm here, for awhile to deal with things.
I think they're gonna give me medication or something. I think I'm Bi-Polar...my Mom was.
Jess- I love you. Are you fucking listening? I love you, and you are what I want from you. You. You're soul...You don't have to do anything else. Just live, for me..I just want you baby.
I'm going back to sleep. I want to sleep some more. I wanna dream again.
Becoming lost is where I am at
So much time has passed
And I'm stuck trying to relive the past
And I can't go back
Will somebody just save me?
'Cause I'm growing up so fast
And yeah it ain't really a blast
Because I just dusted off some records that I bought at 14
Then I busted into tears 'cause I didn't believe
The melodies and memories
'Cause then I see
The fallen dreams
But then there's him
And he's my baby
He's so good to me.
He's my baby
(Yes you are, yes you are, yes you are, yes you are.)
He's my baby
He's so good to me
He's my baby
Woah; yeah you are everything to me.
Current Mood: cold
Current Music: Mean Thoughts and Cheap Thoughts- The Rocket Summer
April 6th, 2006
|11:41 pm - :(|
so i'm here...in a hospital. they had to pump my stomach...
i'm screwed. they're gonna take my baby away :(
jess- call the hospital, we need to talk
Current Mood: scared
April 4th, 2006
|11:16 pm - smile, god loves you|
Haiden is better :) We went to church today. I know right, I haven't been in forever. Jess skipped..loser.
Love that boy. So we went and it was fun, everyone met Haiden and told me how much they missed my Mom. Then we went baby shopping for her. She's getting bigger everyday, it's crazy. I bought her some Elmo cheerleader clothes, they are the cutest thing ever. It's pink, and she didn't scream at pink! Yay! She's cured, eh? HAh
I'm in such a good mood. I went shopping, saw Emma. Ew. But they thought I had like..stole something? I hate police.
Cus..I don't like being searched, because I have been stealing things? Ha..
Jess is still here.
And I love it, I looove it. He needs to stay, damn it.
Current Mood: bouncy
March 27th, 2006
Haiden was in the hospital yesterday. I
Jess and I were at home, and she was really warm. I took her temp and it was around 100, so we took her to the hospital, and she threw up...they entered her and did tests and they said something about her being dehydrated. Which I was like..what? Because I feed her, I give her milk and water and I do everything the nice little books tell me! Then they said something about a flu or something that's been going around. She stayed over night, and I stayed with her. We came home today, I have to give her this medication she hates. She'll scream when I walk into the room now..I hate it. I hate her being sick, it scares the shit out of me. It scared Jess too. He came over, for me to sign those stupid papers. I broke down and told him, I didnt' wanna get divorced. I don't know what he's gonna do, but for now he's staying with me. He's on the couch, I want him in my bed with me but..I can't have everything. I'm gonna just hurt myself, thinking he's back when he's not. I try to hate him. I try to tell myself he's a fucker and not to care. But I love him. Even if he leaves me again, I'll want him back. It's like an abusivie relationship. Maybe we should--not live together for things to work.
pray for me guys, i need it.
Current Mood: hopeful
March 26th, 2006
|11:37 am - home sweet home|
i bought a house. it's small and it smells and i don't like it very much, it's growing on my though. it's across from emma's house. it's good, for now.
I'm a manager now, at the video store. So i get a pay raise and that stuff. cool. shane and I were talking, he's a friend and he said that I needed to have an open house party. I was like, sure..if I could fit more that 5 people into my house. it's itty bitty. but hade and i fit in there well. she's good, she's growing up really fast. i bought some of those nasty carrott stuff yesterday, cus she's gonna start eatting that now.
i miss him, but what can you do huh? i haven't gotten any papers or anything, but i don't wanna be with him anymore. not like this, not if he's gonna be an asshole. we could work it out, but he's too scared to try. now I have a headache.
spring break is coming up, i'll just work and try to plant flowers.
i have a house...wow.
Current Mood: pleased
March 21st, 2006
|10:18 pm - I wait for you.|
Darcy doesn't give a fuck anymore. If I see her again, I'll bust open her nose.
Emma that is. Bitch.
I'm living at Paiges for right now, until I can buy that house.
I don't care anymore, hi.
I'm falling apart. Can't you tell? Hahah.
Current Mood: pissed off
March 16th, 2006
I miss my Mom. She would have told me what to do now.
I got kicked out of Emma..I can't go to my Dad's...so here I am. At work, with Haiden.
Please..tell me what to do. I am so lost.
Current Mood: depressed